Final Fantasy VIII:Haunted House
by I-R-LEET
Summary: Exactly what it sounds like. Its an expiramental story so go easy!
1. Chapter I: Welcome to HELL!

Ok this is my first fic so please go easy if you choose to review. This is the story about the whole FF8 gang when they go on a mission to a haunted house. Intended to be humorous.

Oh by the way, _italics_ means thoughts.

Chapter I: Welcome to HELL!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cid: (on speaker phone) May I have your attention please! Would the following students report to my office: Rinoa, Selphie, Quistis, Irvine, and Zell.

Zell: (In the cafeteria with the whole gang, except Squall) Hey, guys! I think he might be talking about us! We should go.

Quistis: _No shit, Zell, you think?_. Well if Cid wants us we might as well go.

(They all go to Cid's office. To their surprise Squall is there too.)

Rinoa: (Flirtatiously) HI SQUALL!!!

Squall: _Damn, doesn't she EVER shut up?_ . . . hey . . . _HYNE I sound like a loser. . . why can't I just say what I want to say? . . . I should work on that. . . then again, I might turn out like Zell . . . Oh yeah definitely don't want to turn out like Zell._

Irvine: So Mr-erectile-dysfunction-I mean headmaster, what do you need us for?

Cid: _DAMN YOU you promised NEVER to talk about that!_ Well, you are all going on a mission.

Selphie: HELL YES!!! This place was getting boring as hell! Even sex with Irvine was losing its flavor!

Irvine: !

Selphie: oops sorry Irvy, just thinking out loud…

Squall: _Hyne, why do girls have to talk so much? Why can't they just think about what they have to say before they say it?_

Quistis: Sir, when do we leave?

Squall: _Then there's Quistis. Oh yeah she's my type. Hyne, she has a nice ass. And that mouth. . . I'm sure she can give head like a pro. But then again, if Rinoa finds out she'll go fucking crazy! Wait a minute . . . We're not even going out. I should tell her I don't like her. But then I lose another friend with benefits. . . she is pretty good and all. . . but I really like my women—_

Cid: You are to leave right away. I've arranged a direct flight to Deling City, where you are to investigate a so called "haunted house." Three citizens are reported to have disappeared when they went to investigate.

Rinoa: Why can't they send the SeeDs from Galbadia?

Cid: Cuz Galbadian SeeDs are a bunch of cunt licking dumbasses. Sorry, Irvine. And their headmaster is some dipshit who has his head stuck up his own ass. No offence, Irvine. And their Garden just looks like a giant piece of shit that can fly. No hard feeling, Irvine.

Irvine: coughinfertileoldasscough. None taken.

Zell: Yo, what about weapons? I'm sure we need weapons in a haunted house.

Selphie: Zell are you retarded or something? I mean, what kind of horror story would it be if the main characters could protect themselves? That's right a pretty gay one! _HYNE, WHY are boys SO STUPID!_

Cid: She's right. Besides you have a sorceress and a martial artist (Zell: HELL YEAH) so I think you'll be fine.

Zell: Then why are you sending six of us? Does it really take six of us to investigate a supposedly "haunted house?" I mean, its not like were retarded or something.

Quistis: Zell you're talking to the door.

Cid: Get the hell out of my office and get you're useless asses to that mansion.

Selphie: You mean haunted house right?

Cid: Whatever. Who am I, the headmaster? Oh…right. Just get the hell out of here.

(After six hours they arrive in front of the huge gates of the haunted house)

Selphie: WOW! That's HUUUUUUUGE!

Quistis: _No, shit Selphie._ Ok well lets go in.

(they all move in. Gates shut on its own.)

Zell: Does anybody have a bad feeling about this? I mean besides me.

Quistis: _WHY am I stuck with a bunch of DUMBASSES???!!!!_

Selphie: God, Zell you're such a pussy.

Rinoa: I know, Zell, we've been in much worse places that this. Like Ultimacia's Castle, and Lunatic Pandora, and Deep Sea Research center.

Irvine: Yeah Zell, ease up pal, you're more uptight that a pregnant cow in heat.

Squall: _Why is everyone looking at me? Oh the must expect me to say something. . . OK! Here goes!_ . . . yeah . . . Zell . . . _Nice going dumbfuck, I'm outta here! (hears door closing in his head)_

Quistis: Can we PLEASE get on with this?!

Zell: Ok ok, lets go.

(they enter haunted house. Behind them the large wooden door closes shut with a BANG. They are in a large dark room.)

Selphie: Ok this is KINDA scary.

??????: I shall devour you're SOULS!!! NO ONE WILL LEAVE THIS HOUSE ALIVE!!! MWHAHAHAHAHA

Zell: OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!!! WERE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!

Selphie: sniff I'm to too young sniff to die sniff (starts crying)

Irvine: Don't worry Selphie, I'll protect you.

Rinoa: (looks expectantly at Squall) Squall, I'm scared too. 

Squall: _Well what hell do you want me to do about it? I'm not fucking Jesus. Oh…right_ . . . I . . . guess . . . that's . . . too . . . bad . . . _REAL NICE MOVE hotshot. Shut up, I thought you were out of here._

Zell: Who is this mysterious ?????? person? And why does he want to devour our souls??? Find out on the next chapter of-(sees everyone staring at him) what?

Selphie: Sometimes, you're scarier than I am.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well how was it? Good? Bad? Ok? Mediocre? Tell me!


	2. Chapter II: Problems?

Ok so why aren't any of you reviewing? Do you hate me? Please don't hate me. I really want to know you're opinions.

Chapter II - Exploring

Zell: Ok guys I'm really really scared . . .

Selphie: Yeah I'm scared too . . .

Irvine: Don't worry guys I'm sure our commander can protect us.

Squall: _What? Since when was I the leader? I don't __remember volunteering. _

Quistis: Squall? Any suggestions?

Squall: Why does everyone have to depend on me? I hate being depended on.

All: (look expectantly at Squall)

_Talkative Squall: Go! Say something!_

_Antisocial Squall: No, I'm scared. What if I say something wrong?_

_Talkative Squall: C'mon just say something. You'll look really stupid if you don't._

_Antisocial Squall: FINE._

Squall: Rinoa its over.

_Talkative Squall: (slaps himself on the head) Great going dipshit._

_Antisocial Squall: Well you told me to say something._

Rinoa: (in tears) What? You. . . but . . . I thought. . . we . . . no . . . please . . . Squall . . . sniff . . . sob . . . (starts crying hysterically)

_Anitisocial Squall: Uh oh. . . maybe it was something I said?_

_Talkative Squall: No you think?_

Irvine: . . . o.0

Selphie: . . . o.0

Zell: (whispers to Selphie) Wait, what just happenend?

Selphie: (whispers back) Squall just broke up with Rinoa.

Zell: (shouts) WHAT? OH MY GOD SQUALL JUST BROKE UP WITH RINOA!? MAN RINOA MUST FEEL LIKE SHIT RIGHT NOW!

Selphie: ZELL SHUT UP!

Zell: MAN THAT HAS TO HURT DEEP DOWN INSIDE!

Irvine: ZELL SHUT UP YOU'RE MAKING HER FEEL WORSE!

Zell: Hey I'm not the one who just said its over. It was Squall.

Squall: Zell just shut up.

Quistis: (Pounces on the opportunity) Squall, I know it must hurt. It was a rough decision and Iím glad you were able to pull through. I just want you to know that if you want me I'll be right here for you.

Selphie: (whispers) Quisty you can't do that! It violates the women's unspoken treaty!

Quistis: What unspoken treaty?

Selphie: Its too early for you to hit on him like that. You can only hit on him when he's in his rebound stage.

Quistis: (points to Rinoa) It's her own fault for losing him.

Rinoa: SHUT UP QUISTIS! I HATE YOU YOU DIRTY BITCH!

Quistis: DON'T YOU DARE CALL ME A BITCH YOU TWO GIL-AN-HOUR WHORE!

Rinoa: WHO HAD TO GIVE HEAD TO CID TO GET BACK TEACHING PRIVILIGES?!

Zell: That was me.

Rinoa: JUST SHUT UP ZELL STAY OUT OF THIS!

Zell: NO YOU SHUT UP!

Selphie: ZELL HER BOYFRIEND JUST BROKE UP WITH HER! I THINK SHE'S THE ONLY ONE WITH THE RIGHT TO YELL!

Zell: WELL TELL HER TO STOP WITH THE CAPS! IT REALLY HURTS MY EYES!

Irvine: ZELL WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!

_Talkative Squall: Hey shouldn't you say something?_

_Antisocial Squall: (drools seeing Quistis angry) . . . so . . . hot . . . _

_Talkative Squall: Something else?_

_Antisocial Squall: FINE_

Squall: Quistis you have a nice ass.

_Talkative Squall: NICE._

_Antisocial (now Pimp) Squall: Thanks._

Quistis: (smiles appreciatively) Thanks.

Rinoa: (tearing her hair) RRRAAAAARRGGGHHH!!!!

Zell: Hey guys, look! ?????? just disappeared.

Selphie: phew.

Zell: I'm glad ALL of problems have been solved.

Irvine: No I think there's still the problem of Rinoa/Squall/Quistis.

Zell: I think I just said, "I'm glad ALL of problems have been solved" (p3.line27)

Rinoa: (words cannot describe her feelings) Must. . . Kill. . . Quistis. . .

_Talkative Squall: Say something to lighten the mood._

Squall: Quistis has a nice rack.

Rinoa: RRRAAARRRGHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

_Talkative Squall: Something else quick._

Squall: Lets split up.

Zell: Ok.

Squall: The teams will be Me, Zell, and Quistis.

Rinoa: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Zell: Hell no! That's a gayass team. How about me, Squall, and Quistis?

Irvine: I think that's the same team.

Zell: You're mom's the same team.

Irvine: So you're mom's ascreamer.

Selphie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Quistis: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

_Talkative Squall: That was fucking HILARIOUS._

Zell: Wait, what?

Irvine: You don't get it?

Zell: No.

Selphie: He just implied he slept with your mom.

Rinoa: NO the teams are going to be me and Squall.

Quistis: NO its ME and Squall.

Rinoa: NO.

Quistis: YES!!

Selphie: Why not just all the girls on one team and all the guys on another.

Squall: YES! Just please shut up.

Rinoa: Fine.

Quistis: Fine

Selphie: Ok

Irvine: Right-o

Zell: (Just found out that Irvine implied he slept with Mrs. Dintch) I'll fucking KILL YOU.

Oh btw, if any of you want to start a C2 community or an mIRC chat channel contact my AIMat genderXXY or email me at Thank you. And remember, Read and Review


	3. Chapter III: The Misadventure

I'm really sorry it took a long time to update. I was swamped in school work. Not as good as you might expect it to be

Chapter III: The (Mis)adventure

Squall: Ok, the boys will take the hallway to the right, and the girls will take the corridor to the left.

Selphie: Right-o!

Zell: Selphie, you're mood is awfully happy for a horror story.

Selphie: No, this is just the part where the clueless teenagers are like, "There are no such things as ghosts." But then in a few chapters or scenes or whatever they'll be like, "OMG Help US! Ghosts are EVERYWHERE!"

Zell: Oh. . . ok.

Squall: How many of you have watches?

Irvine: I do.

Quistis: Me too.

Squall: The time is 1200. Meet back here by 1500. Now move out!

Zell: Who made you the boss?

Squall: I did. Now shut up and move it Zell.

(The boys go right, girls go left. Squall, Zell, and Irvine find themselves in a loooooong hallway)

Zell: Awwww . . . look how long it is.

Irvine: (Looks down long hallway. Counts the number of doors) There are only three doors, Zell.

Zell: We might as well kill ourselves now, cuz that way too many.

Squall: Zell, shut up. (Goes to first door. Tries to open it. It is locked.) Damn. Ok next door.

Irvine: Squall, ever since you broke up with Rinoa, you've become a lot more social.

Squall: I guess so. (Tries to open second door. It is locked.) DAMN IT!

Zell: By process of elimination, the way out is behind door #3!

Irvine: I think we all figured that one out Zell.

Zell: Oh yeah? Well by the transitive property of equality, you are officially an idiot.

Irvine: Stop talking about yourself, Zell.

Zell: Great comeback. I'm glue and you rubber. Whatever I say bounces off you and sticks to me.

Irvine: Zell, I think you got that backwards.

Zell: I know what I am but what are you?

Irvine: Know what, Zell? I just figured out that talking to you is like trying to nail jello to a wall.

Zell: (sarcastically) WOW! How long did it take you to figure that one out?

Irvine: 'Bout three minutes.

Zell: Hey, you're not as stupid as I look.

Irvine: Once again, Zell, I think you got that backw—

Squall: ENOUGH! Zell, from now on you can't say anything more that five words at one minute intervals. And Irvine, you are not allowed to touch yourself in front of men.

Irvine: (Takes hands out of pants) As you wish, Commander. (bows respectfully)

Zell: What happens if I say more than five words at a time?

Squall: I have the right to castrate you.

Zell: (gulp)

Squall: Now. (opens door three. It is an empty room with a treasure chest in the center with many flashing light pointing to it.)

Zell: Looks like (thinks about how many words he's said so far) there nothing here.

Squall: (Opens treasure chest; finds a key) Ok, I think this opens a door.

Zell: No shit, Sherlock, I thought you were smart.

Squall: . . . four . . . five . . . six . . . seven . . . eight . . . That's over five words Zell. Irvine hold him down.

Irvine: Gladly. (pins down Zell)

Zell: WAIT! NO! STOP IT! DON'T COME NEAR ME! HELP! SQUALL, DON'T!

Squall: (puts on a rubber glove the kind that doctors wear yes the really cool ones that smell funny) Prepare to meet the new high voiced Zell.

Zell: (takes a very deep breath to calm himself) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

Squall: (covers ears) shutupshutupshutupshutup!

Zell: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

Irvine: My FREAKING EARS!

Zell: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

Squall: LET HIM IRVINE, LET HIM GO!

Irvine: (Lets Zell go)

Zell: Thanks guys. That ALWAYS works. And if you don't abolish that five words per minute thing you'll be sorry.

Squall: And if we don't . . . ?

Irvine: Yeah? What can you do to us?

(Five minutes later.)

Irvine: (shouts) Use the key to open the other doors.

Zell: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

Squall: (shouts back) I've tried but they don't work.

Zell: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

Irvine: (shouts) Then what do we do?

Zell: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

Squall: (shouts back) Hold on, I have an idea. (Grabs Zell. Uses him as a battering ram. Breaks down door #1)

Zell: (unconscious)

Irvine: Nice move, buddy. You killed two birds with one stone.

Squall: Thanks.

Irvine: Oh by the way, which do you prefer: Quistis or Rinoa?

Squall: Damn, that's a hard question. See, Rinoa is the airheaded girl who doesn't know SHIT about raising a family, but she's one hell of a partner in bed. Quistis is really smart and bossy, like a dominatrix, but I bet she can raise a family better.

Irvine: So, which one do YOU want?

Squall: (thinks) Quistis. Definitely Quistis. But anyway, let's get a move on.

Irvine: What about Zell?

Squall: (Shrugs) What about him?

Irvine: (kicks him awake) Zell!

Zell: . . . hm? What? What happened? Why does my head hurt?

Squall: You . . . uh. . . fell.

Zell: oh. Hey the door's open!

Irvine: Yeah. Let's go in.

(They go in. They are in a dark room with only one door.)

Squall: (Tries the key) gasp It opened!

(They enter doorway. See a LONG winding staircase going down.)

Irvine: So Squall, you never answered my question: How come you're more social after you broke up with Rinoa?

Squall: Why are you asking me these stupid questions?

Irvine: For charcter development. The author wants to get rid of all the tiny details now.

Squall: Well . . . you see uh . . . coughrinoausedtosexuallyabusemeanditaffectedmementallyandnowthati'mfreenowifeelmuchbettercough

Irvine: oh, I see. So you've turned to Quistis for sexual healing.

Squall: Yes.

Zell: Hey it's just like that one song! What's it called?

Irvine: Zell, your epidermis is showing.

Zell: huh? What? (starts squiriming. Falls down stairs) OW! OOF! Son of a! ARGH Damnit! OUCH!

Irvine: Should we follow him?

Squall: Wait. (Pulls out torches from stone walls. Hands one to Irvine.) Ok now we can go.

(they walk down the long staircase.)

Zell: Oh God! Ouch! Hyne, that hurt! Oooof! OUCH! GAH! ARGH!

Irvine: You think he would have stopped, but no.

Squall: Well he IS a moron after all.

(Reach the bottom of the stairs.)

Irvine: What the ?

Zell: (Is pounding head against stone wall.) Ouch! Jesus! OOF!

Irvine: Zell, what are you doing?

Zell: I'm trying to find the secret passage.

Squall: (points in the opposite direction) You mean that wooden door?

Zell: OMG! Squall, you're a genius! You found the secret passage!

(Irvine and Squall look at each other)

Zell: (Opens door and runs in) Well let's see what's in here. . . . OMG!

Squall: (Rushes in) What is it?

Irvine: (sees what Zell saw) Holy S#!

Zell: Hyne save us, it's a !

I hate cliffhangers don't you?


	4. Chapter IV: Deeper into the Midst

A/N: sorry for the long period of deadness. So much school work + AP Chem to study for. Wish me luck! (No seriously, wish me luck, if I fail this I don't get into a four year college)

(Quistis, Rinoa, and Selphie walk down corridor to the left.)

_Quistis: _(glares at Rinoa)_ Look at that whore, she's planning something. I bet that she's trying to use Selphie against me somehow. Well I better get rid of Selphie first._

_Rinoa: _(stares daggers at Quistis) _Damn that bitch, it's obvious she's planning something. I'll give a hundred gil that she's going to team up with Selphie. Then I'll just make sure that Selphie gets in an "accident."_

_Selphie: _(thinking about random stuff) _I wonder why no one's saying anything. Maybe I should talk about something to lighten the mood._

Selphie: (clears throat) . . . (takes deep breath) . . . (exhales) So –

Quistis/Rinoa: SHUT UP!

_Selphie: _(covers mouth with hands) _Was it something I said?_

(Walk into a kitchen)

Quistis: Oh looks like a dead end.

Rinoa: I guess it does.

Quistis: Selphie, go outside at go down further.

Rinoa: Yeah and come back later.

Selphie: What about you guys?

Quistis: We'll investigate this kitchen.

Selphie: I'm not stupid. I know you guys are trying to get rid of me so you can kill each other. And since I'm such a nice person I'm gonna stay here and never let you two out of my sight.

Rinoa: That's a pity. Because the Magic Fairy Queen told me that she has a bottle of Super Dooper Magic Pixie Juice.

Quistis: Yes, and she can't give you any because she doesn't like you.

Selphie: (In tears) Wha-why? What did I do. I'm being a good girl. Honestly!

Quistis: (points out the door) Look! There she goes! She says she'll forgive you and give you a pinch of her Super Dooper Magic Pixie Juice if you can catch her.

Rinoa: And you better hurry, cuz she's flying very fast!

Selphie: (Shouting hysterically) Wait for me, Magic Fairy Queen! I'm a' comin'!

_Quistis: Threat #1: Selphie: Eliminated. New Target: Rinoa: Must Eliminate_

_Rinoa: Thank Hyne that dumbass Selphie is gone. Now time to get rid of Quistis._

Quistis: So, does this place look totally new to you?

Rinoa: It's a kitchen. I've seen kitchens before. What the hell are you talking about?

Quistis: Well I didn't think you'd know what it is since you're too stupid to cook.

(random audience): Ooooooh!

Rinoa: I can too!

Quistis: No you can't. You're too stupid to even boil water!

(Random audience): Aaaaah!

Rinoa: (thinks back to remember)

FLASHBACK

Squall: Rinoa, can you boil me some water?

Rinoa: Why?

Squall: (much like Cloud). . . I . . . don't know. I really . . . don't know. . . What. . . Ah . . . this tingling sensation . . . in my fingers . . . What! Sephiroth . . . what are you doing to me . . . stop . . .!

Rinoa: Uh. . . ok.

(five minutes later the Balamb Fire Department teams up with the Dollet Fire Department to put out the greatest fire to ever occur on the Balamb continent)

END FLASHBACK

Rinoa: Well you're just a bookworm. I bet you can't even cook for shit without a cookbook.

Quistis: Oh yeah? You wanna bet?

Rinoa: Sure.

Quistis: Whoever can make the best chocolate cake by the time we're supposed to rendezvous wins.

Rinoa: Ok

Quistis: The boy'll be the judges. The loser has to back off Squall forever. Deal?

Rinoa: Deal!

(Back to the boys)

Zell: -- Werewolf!

Werewolf: ROOOOOAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!

Zell: Run for your lives, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Squall: Zell! Rule #1: Maintain calm on the battlefield.

Zell: What the hell are we supposed to do man? It's a freakin' werewolf!

Squall: You're a martial artist. Go attack it now.

Zell: But, but it's a freaking werewolf with large fangs and whatnot! I'm scared!

Squall: Zell, you have the potential to be a great warrior. You just need to look deep down inside and block off all the voices that say "You can't do this!" Dig deep. Find the warrior within yourself. Unleash your power!

Zell: You're right! I CAN do this! (charges forward and attacks with a flurry of punches and kicks that are too fast for the eye to see.) I DID IT! You were right Squall!

(Actually, due to his low intelligence and poor night vision, he has actually knocked out Irvine)

Squall: Great going, smacktard.

Zell: Oops.

Werewolf: RRROOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGHHH!

Zell: (passes out from fright)

_Squall: I guess it's up to me now._

Squall: Come and get some. (monster attacks but Squall defends himself with torch.)

_Squall: This is good. As long as we have this torch, we can use it as a gunblade and fight._

Squall: (trips and drops torch. Werewolf gets between torch and Squall.)

_Squall: Ok never mind. Now we are officially screwed._

Werewolf: RRRRRRR (choke) (cough, cough, cough) (takes a cough drop) RRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!

Squall: I'm not afraid of you.

_Squall: OMG! What the hell are you talking about? That scared the living SHIT out of me!_

_Squall2: Hey don't worry. I'm the Commander of SeeD. I think I know a little about hand to hand combat. Now let's see. . . _(tries to remember thing he covered in Quistis' class. But fails and can only remember mentally undressing her)_ Ok, you're right, we are now officially screwed._

_Squall3: No we're not. Check this out!_

_Squall: How many of us are there?_

_Squall3: The hell if I know._

Squall: (does the first thing that comes to mind) Take this! (kicks werewolf in the nuts)

Werewolf: Uuuurrrrrgghh!

Squall: (rolls and picks up torch) KONOHA ANCIENT SECRET FINAL TAIJUTSU TECHNIQUE: THOUSAND YEARS OF PAIN! (ferociously shoves the flaming torch up the werewolf's ass)

Werewolf: (passes out from pain)

(random fanfare music starts blaring)

Squall: (walks over to Zell)

Zell: (cowering behind Irvine, uses him as a human shield) Please don't eat me . . . my sexy body is nothing but lean, well-toned muscles and perfect curves. I'll taste nasty and give you diarrhea. And if you let me live, I'll bring you more people to eat.

Squall: Zell, it's me.

Zell: Squall! Oh thank the Lord, you saved us!

Squall: That I did. Now let go of Ivine.

Zell: Ok

(Squall and Zell wake up Irvine)

Irvine: What the? What happened?

Zell: Squall killed the werewolf.

Irvine: What werewolf?

Zell: That werewolf. Standing behind me and breathing heavily over me.

Irvine: o.0

Squall: o.0

Zell: Oh. SHIT.

Werewolf: (takes off head) God that hurt like a $&.

Squall, Zell, Irvine: Seifer!

Seifer: Yeah?

Zell: What are you doing here?

Seifer: What's it look like to you, Chicken Wuss? The hell if I know. Now pull this thing out of my ass, Squall.

Squall: (Pulls torch out of his ass)

Seifer: Hehe. I got you cunts good, didn't I? Especially you, Chicken Wuss.

Zell: N-no! I knew it was all fake.

Seifer: Whatever, Chicken Wuss, from what I saw, you nearly wet your pants.

Irvine: (feels Zell's pants) Oh, he's yet his pants alright.

Seifer: (points and laughs)

Zell: H-hey! Shut up Seifer. You know I can take your ass anyday!

Seifer: Oh yeah?

Zell: Yeah! Remember that time with Ultimecia? I kicked her ass so hard she let me have butt sex with her.

Ultimecia: (pops up randomly out of Time Compression) Zell, you never even TOUCHED my ass. I'd have killed you if you did.

Zell: What? Then whose ass . . . ?

Irvine: (fingers collar nervously)

Squall: Well whatever. It's almost time. Let's go back and meet the girls.

(In the assigned meeting room. It's been a long time and I've forgotten where)

Quistis: (seductively) Well hello, boys :P.

Irvine: Why's Selphie crying?

Selphie: (sniff) The Magic Fairy Queen (sniff) she-she left without me!

Rinoa: Ok whatever. Would you boys like some chocolate cake?

Seifer: Hell yeah!

Quistis: (wink) Try mine first!

(They all try hers)

Squall: mmmmmm! This is really good!

Irvine: Probably the best chocolate cake I ever had!

Seifer: This cake kicks some major 55!

Zell: Wait, I want to try some!

Seifer: Too late Chicken Wuss, no more left.

Zell: I hate you dirty hoes!

Quistis: (sticks tongue out at Rinoa)

Rinoa: (growl) Squall, would you like some of MY cake?

Squall: (remembers past incidents with Rinoa's cooking) Uhhm. Sure. (carefully lowers one finger into it. Barely touches surface then licks finger. Starts gagging, and narrowly avoids throwing up.)

Irvine: C'mon Squall it can't be that bad!

(Seifer and Irvine try some)

Irvine: OH MY GOD, MY TONGUE IS ON FIRE! THAT WAS THE WORST TASTING THING I'VE EVER TASTED!

Seifer: DEAR ALMIGHTY, SAVE ME! THIS TASTES WORST THAT BATTERY ACID!

(Irvine and Seifer go over to a corner and start barfing)

Selphie: (light bulb appears on top of head. Takes a pan and shits in it. Gives it to Zell). Here, Zell have some of Rinoa's cake.

Zell: Gee, thanks Selphie, you're the nicest person ever. (starts eating it) Mmmmmmm-mmmmm! I don't know what those guys are thinking, but your cake tastes great, Rinoa!

Selphie: April Fools! You're eating my crap silly!

Zell: Eeeeewwww! I need something to wash away the taste! (eats some of Rinoa's cake) NOOOOOOOO! THAT TASTES EVEN WORSE! (goes over to corner and starts barfing with Irvine and Seifer.)

Ghost: (randomly appears) HP:2000 BOOO! I am the ghost of Count Bad Coo K. Ing!

Rinoa: (snaps) STOP TALKING ABOUT MY COOKING! (hurls pan of cake into ghost's face)

Ghost: Damage dealt from cake: 9999 OMG! I'M DEAD AND EVEN I THINK THAT DISGUSTING! (goes over to corner and starts barfing)


End file.
